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E3: Predictions of a Dangerous Mind / 15th of June 2015


It’s here, E3 2015 is finally upon us, be merry and rejoice. That’s right, after weeks and months of pointless speculation toady is the day in which all will be revealed. It’ll be Microsoft who kick things off with the first of the big conferences at 5pm later today, but if you can’t wait until then then, then worry not, we’ve got you covered. Thanks to some Fifa level bribery, we’ve come into the possession of the entire E3 2015 itinerary, for not only Microsoft, but every major conference taking place over the next two days. For fear of incriminating our source we can’t re-print the entire thing, what we can do however, is let you in on all the big announcements before they happen. So here it is, E3 2015 before E3 2015, the convention that changed the world of videogames forever.

Microsoft:

When Microsoft opens the show at 5pm Phil Spencer is set to walk on stage in his customary videogame t-shirt and suit jacket combo, looking so smug you would think he just finished banging every Sony executive’s mum behind the curtain. But he won’t have, not literally anyway. The reason for said smugness will become clear when he, having said nothing, points to the back of the conference room as an engine roars into life. Out of the shadows Hideo Kojima will appear, straddling the bonnet of a driverless BMW convertible, he’ll speed toward the front of the room and use the momentum from the car’s sudden stop to vault on stage beside Spencer. Then, with both Spencer and Kojima standing side by side, they’ll turn to face the big screen just as a trailer begins, on which names will begin to fade in, one after the other; "Norman Reedus, Guillermo del Toro, and Hideo Kojima, in association with Microsoft Studios presents… Mute Mountains".



After the trailer Kojima and Spencer will high five each other, then turn to face the audience and sign a few odd gestures before walking off stage. Media and internet investigation will later crack the code both men used, revealing that Spencer had said “suck it Sony”, while Kojima went for “fuck Konami”. In any case, after returning to the stage alone, Spencer states Microsoft need do no more, before immediately calling an end to Microsoft’s - brief - E3 2015 conference.

Electronic Arts:

With Microsoft’s conference over it’ll be EA’s turn to show off what they’re bringing to the table this year. Starting at 9pm, EA will begin with a spectacular light show involving interpretive dance and an orchestral score. That is, until a massive explosion goes off and the elegant instrumental is drowned out by a live performance from System of a Down. Finally, after many more explosions, it will be announced that Michael Bay is to be appointed EA’s honorary president for life.



After the announcement, attendees will be treated to various trailers including Battlefield: Hard Sell, Army of Two: The Devil’s Threeway, and pre-order bonuses for Fifa 16: Babes Edition, including copies signed by Andy Gray and Richard Keys themselves.

Finally EA will wind things down with a black and white film of J.J. Abrams literally pissing on the childhood of everyone born in the 80s. That is however, until Dice CEO Patrick Söderlund appears on screen and kicks Abrams dick clean off. As Abrams falls, crying in agony, Söderlund turns to face the camera and utters the words “not on my watch”. The Star Wars Battlefront logo appears, and with that EA ends their E3 2015 conference.

Ubisoft:

After EA’s bombastic show, the Ubisoft conference is to be a decidedly more subdued affair. Giving a keynotes speech, outgoing CEO Yves Guillemot will apologise for the homogenisation of every major Ubisoft franchise and strip naked, allowing everyone in attendance to pelt him with rotten produce. Once the stage has been swept, Ubisoft will then unveil their new CEO, Rob Lowe, who will then announce and explain the Ubisoft executive’s new hands-off approach to game development.

Sony:

Determined to be professional as ever, Sony will begin their conference by having Sony Computer Entertainment CEO Andrew House shit, live on stage, directly onto an Xbox One. After which Sony will run a five minute PowerPoint presentation on all the ways that the PlayStation 4 is better than its rival, and how the sales figures prove it. House will then return on stage and explain that the initial pricing of Sony’s PlayStation Now service was hacked by suspected Microsoft employees, and how Sony would never have allowed such scandalous money grabbing.



Following these announcements Team Ico will show footage of upcoming game The Last Guardian, and announce its release date for November 2015, specifically the same day as Call of Duty: Black Ops 3. The last game to be announced will be Nikk Knack Nokky Noo, the sequel to PS4 launch title Knack, and is said to feature Ken Dodd as the game’s chief antagonist.



Sony will begin to wind down their conference with live-action performance of a scene from The Last of Us, featuring stage acting from voice actor Troy Baker, and an acoustic set from Naughty Dog’s creative director Neil Druckmann. This is scheduled to last for several hours and will serve as a litmus test to determine whether or not Druckmann should press on with his plans to take the show to Broadway theatres. Finally, once attendees begin to leave the conference hall, Sony will project, both PS4 and Xbox One, sales figures onto the walls of the conference room in fifty foot high lettering.

Nintendo:

Once again Nintendo ae set to deliver a pre-recorded announcement at E3. Scheduled to go live at 5p on Tuesday said message is set to feature bright colours, adorable sound effects, and aged Japanese businessmen behaving like toddlers throughout. There will also be an announcement of the upcoming game, Super Mario Multiverse. This is set to be accompanied by a list of game details such as Mario’s new power, the ability to traverse universes via quantum suicide, and the freedom to discover limitless worlds, one of which may feature a Princess Peach who isn’t a permanent cock-tease.



Other than a new Mario game, Nintendo are set to unveil their largest and most diverse roster of games ever, none of which will be given European releases. Last but not least Nintendo will unveil their upcoming Amiibo line-up. These are set to include generic Wave Race surfers, the Pilotwings 64 tarmac smears, and every Pokemon ever.

So there you go, E3 2015 in a nutshell. You’re welcome internet, and remember, you heard it here first.

 
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